TC the Terrible

Turns out that’s a pretty good excuse for acting like an asshole.  You’d be surprised at the amount of space people I get when one of my buddies drops that phrase about me.   Civilians don’t know shit from shit so I can probably use it until I’m 100 years old.  The Soldiers I work with tell me to go fuck myself, and frankly that’s the better approach.  Brutal honesty – the world needs more of it.

I’m not the easiest of guys to hang out with to start, but the past few months have really been tough on my family and both of my friends.  So I cut them a foot of slack and turn most of it inward.  And I grab a third shot of Turkey 101 to sand the corners smooth.

Since I’ve come home the asshole is always floating right under the surface.  Even on good days I’m never more than a syllable from snapping like a Macho Man Slim Jim.  It’s not so much anger, as it is a lust for primacy.    Or maybe it’s a blast of superiority that comes across me.  One of those “I’m better than you so why are you fucking looking at me?” kind of vibes.   I’ll say this much, it keeps the Jehovah Witnesses off my front porch.  Got to learn how to turn it on and off, cause pissed off mode is powerful stuff in a world filled with the weak minded.

A moment of honesty here.  I wasn’t in any firefights; no rag head came charging over my foxhole screaming to Allah, none of that John Wayne shit happened, I was never in that kind of danger – and yeah I regret it.  In my old age when I bounce my grandchildren on my knee I’ll have to tell them that I got to the war long after it quit being fun.  I took a few helicopter rides, had some meals with the Iraqi populace and spent an afternoon crawling around Chemical Ali’s offices – but that’s it.  And someday I’ll hang the pictures of that joint on here for the rest of you to see.   He was a brutal mother fucker.

So no, I don’t have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The doctor I talked to on the phone a few weeks ago said so.  He’s got PTSD, so he should know.

Still, I can seem to get myself in check.  There are days when wake up and I’m ready for the day to be over before my feet hit the floor.  Other days I’ve got more energy that the God Damned Energizer Bunny.  The scary days, I feel like a wolf in winter.  The enamel stretches tight across my teeth and I can hear/smell/see everything.   The world moves around me in slow motion and my heart pounds so hard it could break my ribs.

Feral is the only word for it.  And damn it feels good.

Tonight I took the family (wife, 15 year old drama daughter and 10 year old son) to Hooters for a quick dinner.  Don’t judge me.  The girls like the wings, the boy likes curly fries and me – I like the cold beer.  DON’T judge me.

Back to the story.  Ten year old needs to take a leak.  His mom, that’d be my wife, insists that I go with him.  Pretty pointless in my opinion since he’s been pissing standing up since he was two.  But what the Hell, I go.  The room is empty when we get there, but while he and I are draining the snakes it fills up.  Not a big deal.

One of the guys is a big honking ass boy.  This guy’s topping the scales at 400+ pounds.  Talking Biggest Loser contestant next season.  Bob/Jillian this guy needs you.  Both urinals are occupied (me and THE BOY) and the two stalls are full.  Like I said, it filled up fast.  Big Boy waits it out until my son finishes.  Kid has a bladder bigger than his head, it takes a couple of minutes to go empty.  Anyway, Big Boy is all about using the urinal that’s only two feet off the ground.  Seems weird to me, then I get the brain flash – his gut hangs out too far for him to aim his junk over the regular urinal.  Sad.  Real sad.

Then it gets worse.  THE BOY is washing his hands (only one sink here) for the full 30 seconds that the school health worker insists he must.  The guys coming out of the stalls are cool with this.  Most guys are cool about littler guys needing some extra time.

By now Big Boy is done and got his pants zipped back up.  (Did I mention that he’s wearing a tie and is at a table full of suits, clearly wrapping up a business meeting over beer and boobs?  No?  Well, I should have told you that first.)  He stands behind THE BOY for all of five seconds.   Then shakes his head and walks out.  WITHOUT WASHING HIS NASTY PISS COVERED HANDS.  My guy finishes drying his hands and reaches out for the door handle.  I tell him to use a towel because Big Boy didn’t wash.  At which point one of the other guys washing up says “yeah, nasty bastard” or similar words.  My guy is grossed out.

We get back to the table and I point out Big Boy to the ladies and tell the said story.  They are grossed out.  Our waitress (named T.C. by the way – and no my wife did not like me noticing that.  But it’s hard not to.  Those name tags are bright orange. But back to the point, if there still is one.) comes by with the check, I throw down the AMEX gold card and we’re on our way.

BUUUUUUUUT – on the way out we walk by Big Boy’s table.  The meeting is breaking up and there’s hand shakes all around.  At this point I pause to say something, but figure what the fuck, and keep moving.  We get the car loaded and are headed out of the parking lot, when I see the guy that was clearly in charge of Big Boy’s group.  He’s got the Jos. A. Bank overcoat on with matching scarf that’s coordinated to go with his suit.  Classy guy.  I can’t help myself.

I wheel the car over to him and roll down the window.  He leans in, looking like he’s looking to see if I’m  serial killer, and I tell him not to stick his fingers in his mouth.  He looks at me like I’m a nut job.  I tell him the story.  He flips his lid right there in the parking lot.  We pull off, laughing our asses off at his expression.  In my mirror I see him telling one of the other guys from his party.

Big Boy is going to be known as “piss hands” at the office from now on.  And his boss will know why.

And yes Dear Reader, there is a difference between being an Alpha Male and being an asshole. It’s stupid (with two O’s) that I even have to explain this to you.  But, thanks to the current PC crippled mainstream strain of thought there’s seldom a distinction made between the two extremes.  I blame it on the pussification of America.

The differences between the two gets blurred by intent and ignorance.  The Beta male (weaker and afraid of the successful Alpha) deliberately attempts to make Alphas look like Assholes.  He’ll do this because in his heart he knows that he can never live up to the expectations and accomplishments of the Alpha.  Instead he takes the easy way out and tries to lower them.  Assholes tend to be Beta males that realize their place in the circle of life and resent it.

Because there are so few legitimate male role models left in America it can be hard for the average person to tell the two apart.  From the outside both types of men appear to be aggressive, arrogant, bull headed and hard charging.  That’s what it looks like from the outside.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

So, here’s your 101 class on the subject.

An Alpha Male is a leader.  He’s confident in himself and he’s proud of what he has accomplished.  He has a purpose in life that is bigger than collecting the next paycheck and covering his mortgage.

An asshole is the guy that tries to make his life better by making life worse for everyone else.  He’s the guy trying to get by on volume.  He doesn’t have strong core values.  He can’t be fulfilled no matter how much money he puts in the bank.

Alpha males are goal oriented and driven by challenges.  Assholes are driven to possess things. They think people are things.

Alpha males are sexual studs.  They get laid, a lot.  They have sex with strong women because those are the ones that are challenging on more than one level, thus pose a challenge to the Alpha male.  Assholes are sexually active, but only with women that are weak and don’t believe in themselves.  These women are easy conquests and the asshole seeks them out because he understands that he isn’t worthy of anything better.

Alpha males answer only to themselves.  They may have a boss at the office, but they don’t have one in life.  They stand up for the things they believe in and walk away from anyone that threatens to make them less of what they are.  Assholes crave the approval of others.  They need someone else to tell them they are worthy of notice.  When they aren’t getting said approval they increasingly act out and attempt to create chaos in the world.

Alpha men have a variety of interests.  Assholes can’t see past their own elbows.

Alpha men aren’t afraid to make other people uncomfortable.  They will think, say and do what they know is right.  The Asshole will protest that he does the same, but will quickly back off of his opinions when they go against popular thought.

Alpha men look people dead in the eye.  Assholes avoid direct eye contact.  They’re afraid people may see what’s not there.  Alpha men want people to see what is there.

That’s the basic obvious stuff.