TC the Terrible NOW Saber Squelch

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
& And then the fight started …

******this one?s my favorite**********
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Shit. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started..

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

NICKNAMES

*    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
*    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

*    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it ‘ s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
*    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

*    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
*    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn ‘ t need but it ‘ s on sale.

BATHROOMS

*    A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
*    The average number of items in the typical woman ‘ s bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

*    A woman has the last word in any argument.
*    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

*    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
*    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

*    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
*    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

*    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn ‘ t.
*    A man marries a woman expecting that she won ‘ t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

*    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
*    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

*    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
*    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

*    Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
*    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There ‘ s no use in two people remembering the same thing!