It’s been a while since I posted about how normal humans should act in an office. Now it’s time to update the list.

• No means no, even for ex-superstar basketball players. No matter how bad you want to tap that ass you can’t keep talking about it after she turns you down the 14th time. Go work out your issues in your gym sock and get back to fucking up a previously decent team.
• Nobody likes your perfume/cologne as much as you do. Wear too much of that shit and you’ll get canned. A clean body is always better than trying to cover up the odor.
• If you are the new guy in the office don’t talk smack to those of us that actually know what we are doing. We will only let you slide for so long before we bust you out in the middle of an important meeting. It won’t be pretty. Promise.
• Yes I did watch Heroes last night. Thank you for asking. No, I don’t have a goddamn hour to talk about who did Peter’s electric bursts come from, Sylar or Exploding Man? It’s a TV show, this is work. Learn the difference.
• If you work three cubes away from me and I can hear you checking your voice mail on speaker phone, you need your ass kicked. Especially if you keep replaying the same message over and over because you are too dumb to write the caller’s number down the first time.
• If you’re suspected of being racist, don’t prove your doubters right.  Again.
• Only two things are allowed to be sold in any office in America. Girl Scout cookies and Boy Scout popcorn. Not candy bars. Not wrapping paper. Not condoms. Nothing. Else. Bring me a sign up sheet and I’ll break your fingers. I won’t get fired for it either.
• Meeting rooms are for meetings. Thus the name – meeting room. Passage ways are for passing. Funny how that works out.
• When someone is on the phone, it’s damned rude to sit down and start talking to them. You and your needs are not so important that it can’t wait a few extra minutes.
• Back to office sex.  Everyone had tried to get some ass at the office before.  Not a big deal.  Hell, you can even get on the Supreme Court after trying your game in the copy room.  But you have to be discrete.  When one person finds out about it, the entire office will know.

Please don’t make me have to do this again anytime soon.