TC the Terrible

First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name.  It is D.C., or “the District”. Only tourists call it Washington. 

Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.  It’s obsolete.

If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it’s already obsolete. 

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It’s just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway. 

All directions start with “The Beltway”…which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an “inner” and ‘outer loop’ designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway. 

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. 

Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.  If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. 

Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They’ll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure. 

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at.  If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don’t go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of which are likely to be English.)

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.  Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ….    and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk. 

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It’s ironic that it’s called an “Interstate” since it runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do).

Opening in the 60′s, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a “Spur” section which is even more confusing. 

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Takoma Park“. 

If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.  Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators. Heed the warning!! 

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World. (This notification is for the eastern Loudoun folks…) 

If you stop to ask directions in Southeast… it takes too long for the locals to explain, so, just don’t. 

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It’s a zone thing, you wouldn’t understand). 

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous,scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! 

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85.  Anything less is considered downright sissy. 

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go. 

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the “slow” lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also. 

The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official “chat” lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. 

Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in. 

If it’s 10 degrees, it’s Orioles’ opening day. If it’s 110 degrees, it’s the Skins opening day. 

If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it’s May, June, July, August and sometimes September.

Per my boss in today’s staff meeting.

The “e” in email stands for “evidence.”

In this town we should all have it tattooed on our foreheads. Because God knows none of us want to be held accountable for anything we might have actually said or done.

Ok, I suck at predicting football games.  I’d never have guessed that the Colts defense would be able to put  the lock down on Drew Brees and the Saints like they did last night.  Manning throwing for three touchdowns and appearing in 29 commercials is pretty much a given.  Still that was an old fashioned ass-whopping.

I may be out of touch, but I’m wonder just out irrelevant MTV has become.  They kicked off the reality show craze with the Real Life over ten years ago and it was a phenomenal concept.  Now they’ve drained the pot so dry of ideas that it’s sad.  MTV’s latest attempt to get the attention of teenagers is a bi-sexual dating show.   Plus, they’ve announced Brittney Spears as the opening act of the Video Music Awards.  Both acts seemed to be aimed at attracting teenage boys back to the network that once defined cool.

Spears is yesterday’s news on the music scene.  MTV is hoping that she can bring the sexy back for at least one song, and that it will be good enough to get people talking about the network again.  But here’s a radical concept for the MTV execs.  Why not go back to playing videos 24/7?  The cutting edge videos and new bands are what made the network important to begin with.  It might be time for MTV to go back to being good at what should be their core competency.