Monday. Again. Damn. Does this cycle ever end?
None of us really want to be in the office on a Monday morning, especially after two days of being a bum. But alas, if I want to make the mortgage (and I do) every month then I have to get my lazy ass in here. And since I have to be here there are some rules that need to be observed.
- Don't yell "WAAAAZZZZZUUUUUPPPP!" for the first thirty minutes of your work day. That shit got old about ten years ago. If you miss your cube mates that much then perhaps the four of you should consider communal living arraignments.
- I'm really glad that some of you actually use the toilet seat covers that the company provides. But please, when you are done with yours don't leave it on the seat for the next guy. That's not being nice, it's being a lazy ass wipe.
- Conversation over one cube wall is acceptable if you keep it brief. A ten minute discussion, involving multiple people, spanning five cubes is the reason the conference room was invented. Try using one.
- If no one has ever offered you a record deal, don't sing as you walk down the halls.
- The restroom is the one place that it is permissible to make strange noises with your bodily functions. This does not mean that you should make comments on the volume/quality/cause of the noise. If it's not a noise that you made, then you damn sure need to keep all comments and remarks to yourself.
- Those of us that are working do not have time to look at the Dilbert that you think is so damn funny.
- When I put on my noise canceling headphones that is a hint that you should shut up.
- I am not your therapist. If you really want me to listen to your problems you have to ply me with booze or promises of sex.
- My red Swingline stapler is mine. Touch it and I'll file a report, then burn the building down.
- When our boss gives you a hard job don't bitch and moan about the fact that none of us are begging to do it for you. He gave it to you so you would have something on your desk besides your lunch.
There. I feel better now.