Like a fading rock star, I’ve got nothing new worth posting so I’m going with a “Greatest Hits” theme today. I hope you enjoy it.

Rules for tourists on the Metro

The end of my first full season of DC tourists is drawing to a close and I’ve held off talking about the ingrates for as long as I can. Granted, I was new to this a few months ago too, so I can understand where you’re coming from. I just don’t think I need to put up with it.

If you want to come here and use OUR (yes, we own it – not you) underground transportation system you are going to have to follow the rules.

RULE 1: No talking. None. Not a word from you. Those of us that ride the Metro professionally do not want to hear your mindless prattle about how it makes your ears pop. We could care less that your phone won’t work underground. We aren’t announcing to you the number of stops we have left, why should you announce it? There is no reason for you to talk. None at all.

RULE 2: Restrain your children. They do not need to bounce around like God-less heathens. This should go without saying, but apparently some of you think that children are allowed to behave like wild apes as long as they are not in their zip code of origin. Some mean people, and I’m not talking about the K Street Klan, live here. Piss them off and they will squish your babies in front of your eyes.

RULE 3: Don’t bring food on board. Over 700,000 of us ride the Metro every day and we don’t want to share the ride with bugs and rats. Do you want our crap in your ride? I didn’t think so. We have cops here that arrest 14 year old girls for eating McDonald’s fries on the Metro. They will not hesitate to do the same to you and your ‘kin’.

RULE 4: Know where you are going before you get on. We are not your tour guides and we are not in the mood to help your lost ass out. Metro has a great trip planner at www.metroopensdoors.com that will tell you how to get where you need to be. BTW, the Smithsonian is located in the middle of the District on the Orange and Blue lines. Listen to the driver, they will tell you when to get off.

RULE 5: Get out of the way. If you are a slow walker, or just want gawk at all the people, move your happy ass over to the side. Most locals are trying to catch a bus when we get off the train and you are in our way. Buses here are not like the ones that pick up the Wells Bayou kids and bring them from the back woods to school in town. These buses are on a real schedule and they stick to it. We have committed the time tables to memory. Your lard ass slowing us down for even a minute can cause us to miss our connection and have to wait half an hour for the next bus. Rumor has it that this type of behavior is what started the recent sniper spree in DC.

RULE 6: If you are fat, just man up and admit it. There is no way your 300+ pound body is going to fit into seats designed for us normal people. Don’t try to squeeze all that flab into the seats. Stand in the aisle. The exercise will be good for you.

RULE 7: Don’t bitch about not sitting with your friends. We are all pretty much sitting next to strangers, get over it. It’s not like you can talk to them anyway (see RULE 1). To think that we are going to get up so you and your sorority sisters can be all chummy on the train is laughable. We are not nice people when it comes to things like that.

RULE 8: You are going to be touched while you are on the train. As noted above, over 700,000 people ride Metro everyday. There is no way to not touch each other. Should you find yourself on the Orange line headed to Vienna between 4:00 and 8:00 in the afternoon you will understand why we call it the “Orange Crush”. The ugliest of girls has a chance of getting felt up on this line during peak hours. All the bumps and touches are not personal, just a by-product of the un-programmed for success of Metro.

RULE 9: Escalators are meant for climbing, not standing. If you are handicapped, have kids in strollers, or are sick then you need to use the elevators to move from level to level. If you are simply too lazy or too fat to climb, then get over to the right and stay there. This gets back to the rest of us having a schedule to keep (see RULE 5). You may be on vacation but the rest of us have places to be. Stand still on the left of the escalator and we’ll run you over. Even if you are our mom.

RULE 10: The fare card machines can be confusing. I’ll concede this point to the clowns with the cameras around their necks. It takes all of us a while to catch on to the way those things work. Metro has a solution to this dilemma; it’s called employees. The very instant you become confused step out of the line and find an employee. They are paid to help you and are glad to do so. The people in line behind you will glad you did.

That’s it for now. I’m sure that I’ll think of more hints for you in the days to come.